Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I drew y’all a little something.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”