Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.