Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.