Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.