Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.