Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Best spot.. 😅

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.