Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
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If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Current mood: Potato
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Maths meets science
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.