Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

I’m listening

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.