Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

It do be feeling this way.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

so i’m at the stock market right

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese