Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
