Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”