Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
LMAO.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”