Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
selena gomez
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic