Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.