Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Happy birthday to all the women
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
