Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me in tagged photos
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.