Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”