Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Mmmm canned fish.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Somebody call the cops.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.