Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Um … Hot Wings please

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ