Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.