Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I need a headline like this
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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