Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?