Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Cndnsd Mlk

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.