Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You Might Also Like
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
trivia
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg