Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶