Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

😂

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?