Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
They did not think through this water fountain
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner