Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.