Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Drug dealer: were you followed?
Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
“Where were you?”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Date: Sing me something
Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫
*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.