@ceejoyner

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

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@DothTheDoth

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

@KevinBuffalo

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

@LurkAtHomeMom

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

@Kimpulses

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@NinjaFuneral

I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.

@eleniZarro

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@dksc4life

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.