Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.