Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.