Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

I’m giving up ice.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist