Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.