Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
translated into Canadian
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate