Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

🐠

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

It be like that sometimes 😆

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.