Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

wishing you and yours all the best

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.