Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.