Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.