Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.