Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Facebook memories be like
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
pizza
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.