Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character