Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.