Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.