Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

honey, bring out the fine china.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.