Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.