Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today