Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.