Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Said the murderer.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath