Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

😂

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.