Our lord and savoury.
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She puts the hot in psychotic
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”