Our lord and savoury.
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Sure. Why not?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
📂 ACME
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