our love story in four pictures
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Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.