our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
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I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
me and who