Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I need to get some bricks…
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.