Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead