Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Air conditioning – not a fan
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.