Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Hello Twits.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.