Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
79.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside