Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.