Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

me watching my own Instagram story

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”