Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*