Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Oh thanks BBC.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord