our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
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One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.