Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….