Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds