our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Strangers have the best candy.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.