Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless