Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

the duality of man

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”