Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell