Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
You Might Also Like
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.