Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.