Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

checking out some reviews of my local library

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.