Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.