Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

🤫

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

live, laugh, laundry.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

Children of the corn 🌽

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.