Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

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The Chosen Phew

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.