Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter