Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
(by @ZachWeiner )
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
Who did it better?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*jingles half the way*
