Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Just had my nails done!
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..