Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all