Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

sistine chapel

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!