Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

grandpa was shocked

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy